


The Best of People

by Lyzzardbrain



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Queer and faithful, queer muslim
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2019-08-23 10:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16617206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyzzardbrain/pseuds/Lyzzardbrain
Summary: Yasmin Khan’s journey to make sense of the best person she’s ever met.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introduction to the new Doctor, where we learn she is a highly ethical polyamorous transgender(?) woman attracted to women. This will show her later resisence with Yaz comes from an ethical place. She’s no prude.

It all happened so fast - a new face - brilliant, northern accent - a move south from Scotland, being called ma’am by that adorable police officer- a hand made sonic, and materializing in space. Barely time for a regeneration nap. 

Finally, searching for the Tardis on Desolation, the new fam asleep, the Doctor had a moment to herself as the boat carried them across the sea. She looked around the ship, trying to find some quiet corner, figure out what this new face, new body, was all about. 

Angstrom wasn’t asleep yet. The Doctor found her tinkering with the engines. The Doctor’s eyes were drawn to her strong hands. Angstrom turned and held the Doctor’s gaze - not breaking eye contact. 

“Doctor, if you look at a woman like that around here she might think you are interested.”

“Interested in what?”

“Interested in her.”

“I am interested in you, fascinated even, almost won this race, woman in space alone, tinkering down ‘ere”.

Not distracted by the babbling, Angstrom sensed the Doctor’s bluster, and the masculine energy blending in her very cute feminine form, she cut to the chase. They hadn’t much time, but pantheon! She was hot, and she could only say yes or no. 

“Interested in sex.”

“Whot! Here with you? Thought you were the type to be into women” - the Doctor recognized the two-woman emblem pinned on Angstrom’s bag.

“You’re a woman”

“ I keep forgetting that. Brilliant, I think, does it suit me?”

“Are you knackered?”

“ I was a white haired grumpy man a few days ago”

“Shapeshifter?”  
“Time Lord, er, Lady”

“New regeneration? “

“Haven’t broken it in yet”

“Want some help with that? Sounds fun?”  
“You sound like my wife”  
“Does that mean you’re off limits?”  
“No - we aren’t exclusive- time travel, never in the same place for long. Might drop in on her later, she’d love this body”

“No commitment, no strings, just two lonely travellers on a boat in the night”

And on the boat, that very night, the doctor learned how to be a woman, and be with a woman. 

The men didn’t notice, but Yas was awake in the night, and somehow, in a way she wasn’t prepared to think about, the Doctor just seemed more . . perfect.


	2. Look away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz POV

Yasmin Khan’s police training jolted her awake. Why, she thinks do I always have to know when other people are having sex? Usually it was her sister Sonya and whichever boy she brought home. Her parents never heard, but always Yaz had to wake up, had to know it was consensual. She heard the Doctor moan, and was jolted awake. 

Not now, she thought as her own core throbbed at the thought that she shoved as far down in her subconscious as it could go. I can’t have this thing ruin another good friendship. 

Rounding the corner she saw the Doctor and Angstrom. A lot of them, in a position she didn’t know was possible. The inner heat intensified and got reflected on her cheeks. For a brief second she caught the Doctor’s eye. “All good here then” she mumbled before backing away to her bed. No one mentioned it in the morning. Maybe she imagined the Doctor seeing her. Yaz wasn’t about to let things get awkward.


	3. Best friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor figures something out

Yaz was feeling like a pest. Trip after trip from Desolation, and every new planet, every new meal the questions. What direction to Earth? What sort of animal is this meat? Is this drink fermented? Maybe she should just let it go. She was travelling though space and time, surely the Most Merciful wouldn’t care if she prayed facing the wrong way. But she knew that wasn’t the point. The doctor just seemed almost annoyed or hurt by her requests. ‘She must think I’m just superstitious. All of Space and time, and I’m worried about some musty old religion?’ But it’s not musty and old, it’s her soul, her life, the sacred within and beyond her. Islam, the path she walks is as much a part of her as the air she breathes. She will not be ashamed, even if the Doctor rejects her. 

The Doctor so wanted to get them home. The men seemed OK, but beautiful, brilliant Yaz seemed so homesick, always asking her to point out Earth, scared to try new food or drink. The Doctor never meant to keep them captive. She paced around the 67th century air bnb where they were staying on the planet YEG - while they helped sort out the sentient watermelon problem. The Doctor had snapped at Yaz the last time she asked where Earth was. “I’m doin’ my best. I’m sorry You’re stuck out here with me. I’m sorry I don’t know whether the ground meat has a cud”. Yaz had turned away with tears in her eyes, and things had been icy for the past few days. Yaz drank only water and ate no meat. 

Ryan was carefully examining watermelon samples, and Graham was off talking to the transit drivers but Yaz was no where in sight. Getting more worked up about the young woman being not up for this adventure, just drop her at home and forget about it, forget about wanting the gorgeous, brave police officer by her side. Rounding the corner she heard a quiet singsong voice - Yaz’s voice, not crying as the Doctor feared, but kneeling, bowing, standing.

The Doctor moved out of sight but stayed captivated for a moment. ‘Oh Brilliant ! She’s a Muslim! ‘ the pieces fell into place. Yaz wasn’t homesick, or picky, or frightened. She was full of light and love and hope, and grounded in ancient mysticism and beauty. The Doctor’s hearts glowed just a bit, as she fell a little bit more for Sheffield police officer. She had to fix this.

As it turned out, the watermelons were only visiting for a sporting event, and once the Football game was over they flew back to their home planet of YXE, leaving more mischief than real harm in their wake. 

Back in the Tardis, floating in orbit above YEG, the Doctor knocked gently on Yaz’s door. “You were Amazin’ out there, sendin’ those crazy fruits back to their space shuttles - tell you’re a right good cop.” The Doctor reached into her pocket and pulled out a small pendant. “And I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m a stupid old woman sometimes. I found this for you. See the red part there? The Doctor was standing very close to Yaz so they could look together. Yaz enjoyed the warm closeness, glad the Doctor wasn’t mad any more. “It points to Mecca, or where Mecca was or will be.” It doesn’t work while we’re in the vortex. I may have created the Whirling Dervish mystics by accident, an early Sufi actually left this behind. Oh, and if you hold it over food, if I spins clockwise, it’s Hallal, you can eat it. Back and forth or widdershins, leave it be.”The Doctor looked very pleased with herself. 

“You just figured out today that I’m Muslim”  
“Yeah - daft old woman”  
“So you don’t think it’s stupid?”  
“It’s a part of you and you’re brilliant Yaz Khan. It makes you the compassionate, confident beautiful amazing woman you are”. Yaz’s insides were literally melting. She clipped the pendant to her belt, and wrapped her arms around the Doctor. “Thank you, you’re not so bad yourself.”

Yaz felt so drawn to the Doctor, wanted to stay like this forever. “I’m so glad we’re friends”. This kind of friendship feels so real and alive to Yaz. The warmth in her heart feels right. The thrumming in her core is pure joy. Maybe this is what it’s like to have a true best friend. 

The Doctor feels the warmth and the thrumming too. She knows it by different names, joy and friendship sure, but also arousal and attraction. She acknowledges the reaction, but ignores it. This will not be her move to make. 

Yaz runs out to the kitchen -“ let’s see what I can eat. “. Graham’s left over Caesar salad is a no - bacon. But the jar of simulated bacon bits are fine and she tosses a handful into her mouth. Then things get silly. Ryan’s boots are out, so is Graham’s aftershave, but the old bag of mouldy cheetoh crumbs under the console is fine. So is the Doctor. 

“Looks like you can eat me” the Doctor chimes, than realizes what she’s said and blushes. Graham looks up sharply from his paper then pulls it close to cover his face. “Get a room you two” Ryan calls out from the x box where he’s playing a version of Zelda from 2076”. Yaz looks bewildered for a moment, not quite catching the whole joke right off, but nips the Doctor’s biscuit crumbed finger, and suddenly turns brilliant red. “Not like that you Pervs!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I’m starting to get into where I wanted this to go. Don’t mind the cheesy CFL reference to melon heads. Saskatchewan fans are zealous. And wear melons on their heads. For real.


	4. Morning Wood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team in close quarters in a dingy motel. A bit of Crack?or a girl with just a sister and no close male friends.

Yaz was thrilled. Rosa Parks! Civil rights southern US - the Jihad of the century - to be a part of the struggle to heal the world, make things better. 

It was good to be back on Earth- back where Mecca is East. She’d never felt so invisible as a Pakistani, but her heart broke when Ryan had to sit at the back of the bus while her “Mexican” features grabbed white privilege. 

Rosa Parks was a hero - a strong woman with real convictions and the courage to stand behind them. Around women like her and the Doctor Yaz could so clearly see who she wanted to be. 

The dingy no- tell motel room quieted down as both Ryan an Graham fell asleep and the Doctor’s endearing ramble dropped to a low whisper. It was only as Yaz started to prepare for bed that she realized Ryan and Graham were snoring soundly, one on each bed, clad only in matching question mark boxers scrounged from the Tardis wardrobe. She looked over to the Doctor, “where should I sleep?”

“Dunno, I said I was married to Graham, maybe you should sleep with Ryan”

“Doctor!”  
“He’s asleep, you’ll be asleep, it’s not like you’ll be making babies with Graham and I here, or at least, if you are, try to fly a balloon so we know to keep out”  
“You are impossible!”  
“The impossible girl. I remember her. I am not she. Wow - that sounded like a proper grammar lesson. I am not her, she is not me, I myself am not . . .”  
“I’m going to sleep Doctor”  
Yaz took the extra pillows and made a wall on the bed and fell promptly asleep. 

She woke up as Ryan got off the bed in the morning and Yaz noticed the tent in Ryan’s boxers, and blanched. Unaware of Yaz’s attention, Ryan stumbled into the bathroom and started the shower. 

The Doctor bounded over to Yaz as the shower started. “What’s wrong - you look all guilty embarrassed. Is that a thing guilty- embarrassed? You were just asleep, did you dream of taking the last Jelly Tot? Or custard cream? I’d be very disappointed in you Yasmine Khan!”  
“He was all “ Yasmin made gesture with her hand to indicate the object of her concern.  
“Oh you didn’t cause, well, not sayin’ you wouldn’t, if I was still a bloke you would . . . it’s morning, and it’s just like that in the morning for young blokes . . .”  
“ and not so young sometimes” Graham chimed in. The Doctor seemed to forget she was,well a she now. Graham as always, rolled with the punches, but Yaz just pulled the cover over her head as the Doctor and Graham discussed the relative difficulties of youthfull rapid response and the challenges of older gentlemen. 

Ryan came out of the shower still towelling off his head. “What are you two goin’ on about”.  
“Morning wood. “  
“Really? Are we at scout camp now?”  
The Doctor jumped in “Yaz was concerned”  
“About what? Where’s Yaz?”  
“Hiding” she said from under the blankets. “I was afraid I was leading you on in my sleep. “

Ryan looked at the wall of pillows down the middle of the bed, and back to Yaz. “It’s a compliment, or I had to take a leak. I don’t remember. But it’s my body mate. It may have a mind of its own, but no one can make me do anything I don’t choose.”

Graham chimes in “ so even if I walk around naked, no one gets to touch me if I don’t say yes”. 

“God Graham you sound like Nan”.  
“Don’t you forget it”. 

Later, when Yaz was the last one out of the shower and fully dressed before leaving the bathroom the Doctor whispered to her flirtatiously “I’d hoped you’d try out the naked thing”. 

“Nah, awkward enough when you did it. “


	5. Yaz’s Fam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Yaz’s back story, based mostly on Arachnids in the UK. 
> 
> I’m reflecting on my own experience of growing up in an active and progressive faith family, but where programs for teens tended towards conservative and homophobic. 
> 
> This isn’t as well researched as it could be, and relies more on my shaky memory of works events than actual demographics in Midland 1980’s.

Najia Khan saw herself as a progressive person. Unlike her mother, she never wore a hijab except to the mosque. She was active in the Parent -School association and volunteered to help with the Guides at the local Methodist church. 

She became in some ways the voice of the Muslim community to her daughters’ school friends. For Eid she brought traditional Pakistani treats the three generations of women would make together. She. Also taught the children Arabic on Sunday mornings, and, unlike some Other Muslim parents, actually encouraged her girls to call it “Sunday School”. 

Like many parents, she feared her daughters would reject their faith in order to fit in with their friends. She knew, but didn’t say much, that Sonja bought school lunches during Ramadan, and that her younger daughter was far from chaste. The first time her daughter mentioned menstrual cramps bothering her, she used that as an excuse to get her on the pill. She explained to Umbreen that she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother just yet. 

Yaz was a different story. She did have a boyfriend for a short while, but Najia recognized he was more of a lonely stray that her loving daughter had picked up. She went to stay the night with him because some kids at school suspected he was gay, and Yaz confessed to her mother later that she thought he might kill himself because the rumours were true and his parents were very “Christian.” Apparently they played board games half the night, and compared sacred texts for the rest. 

Yaz was very involved at the mosque. She carefully saved part of her allowance and babysitting money for alms. She could read and understand Arabic, and would discuss Koranic texts with anyone who would teach her. 

Most of the youth at their small mosque were immigrants from Somalia, Iraq and Indonesia, or their parents had immigrated as adults with their elder siblings. As second generation Brits, Sonja and Yaz were sometimes envied, but often condemned for being “too western”. 

Sonja flowed between worlds, but Yaz was caught between them, and mostly focussed on school, family and the mosque. She rarely brought any friends home. Sometimes she got very close for awhile with a girl from school or the mosque, but Yaz’s intensity seemed to drive them away. 

Once after Friday prayers, shortly after Sonja came of age, the girls were talking in the back seat of the car about why the women and men were separated, and why the women had to be in the back. 

Their father had replied that that way boys couldn’t look at girl’s bums while they prayed. Sonja had giggled that she could see all the boys bums. Yaz had rolled her eyes, she was above such things. 

One of the older teen girls, Reena, often instructed the younger teen girls, including the Khan sisters at the time. Sonja noticed her sister staring at her behind while she taught, and while they prayed. 

She had the good grace to wait until they were home and the adults were distracted to bring it up. “ think you’re so much better that me, I caught you staring at Reena’s bum all class. “. 

“I liked the pattern on her skirt”

“You’re a big old lesbo”. 

“Just because I don’t have a new boyfriend every week doesn’t make me that.” 

“Whatever. I won’t tell. “

True to her word, Sonja never spoke of it to anyone else. But someone else had noticed. She notices at prayers, she noticed where and when Yaz looked and didn’t look at TV. And she loved that girl to the moon and back. This woman had known forbidden love, and words from her rarely mentioned first wedding rang in her ears often as she watched her granddaughter mature. 

“Love is the most powerful weapon we have because love is a form of hope, and like hope, love abides in the face of everything.  
‘You both found love with each other. You believed in it, you fought for it, and you waited for it. And now, you’re committing to it, which makes you two right now the two strongest people on this planet.”

The woman who had spoken those words was accompanied by a distant cousin who bore a striking resemblance to Yaz. Those two women looked at each other like she looked at Prem, her first husband. (And later at the girls’ grandad as well to be fair). A love that the British colonizers had taught them dare not speak its name. 

Umbreen had indeed overheard Sonja. It seems sometimes people assume age always brings hearing problems. 

A few days later as Umbreen and Yaz were cooking together, and the television blared coverage for the vote about same sex marriage, Umbreen confided to her granddaughter “I don’t care what the imams say. If two people want to get married, if they love each other, Allah is surely with them. You know I love you no matter what, my favourite granddaughter”. 

“Of course Noni. I love you too. I’m not gay though”

“Love is love.”

Yaz had a few friendships go wrong, where she seemed too intense once she let her walls down. After that, she withdrew. 

Yaz focused hard on her school work and later police training. She was friendly but seemed to avoid making close friends. Her mother knew she was lonely, and hoped to see her come home with someone who made her happy, who could make her happy. 

When the incident with the spiders happened Yaz had a spring in her step and a glint in her eye that thrilled her mother to the bone. Najia wanted to know who made her girl so happy. At first she thought the blond woman, but it could be the boy Ryan from her primary. Yaz’ response was telling. So was the Doctor’s. They might not know it yet, but Yaz finally had someone in her heart. 

Yaz realized too that travelling with the Doctor was the best thing she could do. She wanted more. More, more adventure, more of the incredible feeling growing deep within that the Doctor was who she wanted to be around, who she wanted to be like. While her friends had learned about crushes through teenage romance, she had shut herself away from those feelings. If she had a crush she didn’t know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some speculation, and a healthy dose of projection.


	6. Feminine Conundrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **content warning suspected miscarriage**
> 
> But those who knew her watched. She was bent over bracing her gut when no one was watching. The team had a few days of recovery at the hospital after the adventure was over. The Doctor tried to figure out who had sired the child she was losing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it’s a little bit crack? In this ship, crack should be reserved for cows, bees, bs Christmas crackers though. The Doctor fears she was pregnant, but had no idea how it happened.

The feminine conundrum 

The Doctor woke up to an uncomfortable ache in her lower belly after the mine exploded. ‘Must be my exto spleen’ she thought to herself, and went ahead to try to save the day. 

When Mabli, the medic on board heard how the Doctor described her injury, she thought it may have been to protect her travelling companions from the truth. But maybe she didn’t know. She wasn’t sure what to do to check on her when she kept running off. She wished for the hundredth time and the hundredth reason that she wasn’t thrust into leadership just yet. 

She finally cornered the Doctor alone for a moment. “Doctor, your scan didn’t show an injury to your ectospleen. I’m so sorry, but you’ve lost the pregnancy. “

“Oh dear, what? I was pregnant? When did that happen, how did that happen?”

Mabli was at a bit of a loss for words. “Well, without your medical tag, I don’t know exactly how it works for your species, but there is usually umm, another person, and you get very close, exchange genetic material . . .”

“Right. I’m a female now, I need to worry about that. I certainly hadn’t planned to get pregnant. I wonder who the father is? I should tell him. Or might it be another mother?” I haven’t tried to reproduce in a long time.”

“Just let me know if you pass any clots over 3mm. If you need more absorbent pads they are in these carts” Mabli indicated. 

With a brave face, the Doctor went on to identify and satiate the pting, reconcile brother and sister, and mostly stay far away from the joy of the new birth. 

But those who knew her watched. She was bent over bracing her gut when no one was watching. The team had a few days of recovery at the hospital after the adventure was over. The Doctor tried to figure out who had sired the child she was losing. 

Bashfully, the Doctor went up to Graham, her first stop. They sat in a private conversation alcove. “Graham, I didn’t know before, but I was pregnant and I lost the baby when the mine exploded. I’m so sorry, but I think you may have been the father, we were married back in Alabama.” 

“Doc, I’m real sorry for your loss, even if you didn’t know, miscarriages are a terrible grief.” Graham was seeking the right words. “I’m not sure how these things work for time lords, but for humans just saying you’re married isn’t enough”. 

“Graham, you’re right of course, you’re clever. We haven’t shared enough genetic material.”

“Never heard it put quite like that before.” Graham was bemused, but slightly ruffled, not quite sure where all this was going. He felt sad for the Doctor, and wondered when she had time to get pregnant. ‘She’s a grown up, she does what she likes’ he thought to himself. 

Feeling very sad, the Doctor sat in a window seat crying alone. Ryan brought her a cup of tea. “Ryan, you’re the best. A truly kind young man. They’ve told me I was pregnant, but lost the baby. I don’t think it was yours.”

Ryan’s mouth hung open, searching for words. “Doctor, we haven’t had sex. The baby wasn’t mine. But if there’s anything I can do . . .?”

“You brought me tea while I’m all crampy and bleeding. You’re a good man.” 

Ryan wondered for a moment, and put a blanket over the Doctor. Ryan was a mechanic and always wondered how things work. Having just met a pregnant man, he wondered aloud “how do time lords usually get pregnant? Is it like humans, where women always carry the baby? Maybe we can work out together what happened?” Can to time Lord blokes have a baby? We’re you already pregnant when you regenerated?”

The Doctor tried to consider all this, but drifted off to sleep. Ryan explained the situation to Yaz, and his own growing suspicion about the alien tech and it’s diagnosis. 

Yaz came into the Doctor’s room with a heating pad, chocolate, and a range of hygiene products, along with a calendar. She sat quietly by the alien until she woke up, and returned from the restroom. 

“Hello Yaz” the Doctor said sadly. “I’m bleeding so much. “. The Doctor started crying again. “They said I lost the baby. I didn’t know I was pregnant. “

“I’m so sorry Doctor”. Yaz held the Doctor while she cried again, bemoaning not knowing who the other parent was. The Doctor currently thought it must be Angstrom, despite having used protection. Although Angstrom had said it was for disease, the Doctor’s sonic at the time had confirmed no gametes could get through. Yaz wasn’t sure it was Angstrom. She tried something. 

“Do you remember your last monthly?”

“Monthly what?”

“Your period, menstrual period?”

“Right! I should get those now. Hasn’t happened yet though, only been a woman about a, wait, about a month now.”

Yaz took the Doctor’s hand gently, rubbing a thumb on her knuckle. The Doctor ignored the pleasure that gentle contact brought. 

“Their machine didn’t have a proper med-id for us” Yaz prompted. “Do all humanoid females menstruate? How different might it look to their machine from a miscarriage?”

“Yaz, I wasn’t pregnant. I just got my first period. Brilliant!! Is there some moon- time ceremony we should do? Invite Graham and Ryan? Ooh, we could dance naked in the moonlight.” 

The visual of Graham dancing naked in the moonlight was a bit much for Yaz but she carried on. “Whatever you want Doctor.” Yaz had such a genuine smile now. “I have chocolate, and there’s some impressive Netflix here.”

“I think I’d like some girl time in. I like being near you Yaz. You’re very comforting. And brilliant. You figured it out. Baffled the Doctor, terrified poor Graham, but Yaz came through.”

Yaz did t want to try to figure out why that gave her butterflies in her tummy. “I didn’t figure it out. It was our mechanic, Ryan. “

“Biology!! That boy is brilliant!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looked to me in the Tsuranga Conundrum like the Doctor had bad menstrual cramps. And then the equipment not being calibrated . . .
> 
> There was something about watching the doctor do what the Doctor always does with that all too familiar look of cramps that was oddly empowering for women everywhere. Who ever heard of an extospleen anyway.


	7. Yaz comes out to the Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz comes out for the first time, to the Doctor. Set during and after Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can stand alone. It’s a first time coming out story.

Yaz always looked up to her grandmother. When other kids, especially that horrid Izzy made fun of her for not having hot dogs for school lunch, she thought of Noni, the first Muslim woman to work at the factory in Sheffield, and she knew she could withstand their teasing. When she bled for the first time and her mother insisted she weir a hijab to the mosque, she thought of how Nani always wore one in public, and even borrowed a favourite one of hers to wear. 

Seeing Nani’s wedding might help her sort out so much of the confusion she was feeling now.  
She’d never admired anyone as much as she admired the Doctor, and wanted to be like her. She may not actually be a Muslim, but she lived out the very biggest and best ideals of Islam. At the same time, she was afraid some of her thoughts about the Doctor weren’t entirely Halal. 

Of course thoughts are thoughts, and it’s our choices and actions that matter. But was it forbidden, haram, that she remembered every touch of the Doctor’s hand, however innocent? That she couldn’t erase from her memory helping the Doctor get fitted for her first ( ??) bra? 

Perhaps seeing how her beloved Nani was before her wedding would help her understand, help her keep pure, and be the good Muslim she wanted to be. 

She’d had impure thoughts about other girls before, and she had lots of gay, queer, lesbian and trans friends in her diversity club at school. But she was Muslim, and that attraction, just like pork in hot dogs, was forbidden. It was hard enough to walk between to identities as British and Pakistani Muslim, if she added queer to that list, she might be the only one. 

So Yaz shoved any thought about being attracted to any woman, including the Doctor, down so deep she hid it almost entirely from herself. 

**********

It was a genuine shock to Yaz’ system to learn her Beloved Noni had married, was about to marry, a Hindu. That was clearly haram. Muslim men can marry Christian or Jewish women, but Muslim women can only marry Muslim men. 

She’d always looked up to her Nani, but what would this  mean?Graham was right, Umbreen is not her grandmother yet. And though Umbreen had shared many stories over the years, she never mentioned him. What else didn’t she know?

Over the course of their ladies evening, Umbreen and Yaz got a few moments alone together. “You really love him, don’t you?” 

“Of course, or I would never go through all of this to marry him.” 

“Do you think it’s haram?”  
“I used to worry about that, but between the war and the famine, some of my ideas have changed. We can’t be like the Nazi’s. We can’t think that the way someone prays makes them good or evil. Prem makes me a better Muslim. He says I make him a better Hindu. But what about you? You have eyes for someone ‘forbidden’.”

“I don’t know what you mean”

“The Hindus see it differently, you know, people like your friend who doesn’t know if they are male or female. I say love is love, and if you love her, find a way to be with her, but in Allah’s name be careful. The English don’t take kindly to you sort.”

“Umbreen, what makes you say . . .”

“I won’t say anything. Be careful my cousin. “

Listening to the Doctor’s beautiful wedding sermon warmed her heart on so many levels, and, if only for that one moment, she allowed herself to wonder at the “What if” of her and the Doctor. 

And then they were running. Back in the Tardis, she thought for a moment the Doctor would hold her, and for that instant she wanted it. 

Later that night, once the men were off in their own rooms, Yaz made her way to the kitchen for some tea. The Doctor appeared and so she made two cups, and settled on a couple of soft chairs in a nearby lounge. 

“How are you doing Yaz?”  
“For real?”  
“Of course. It’s been a whirlwind for ya”  
“I don’t know how to think or what to believe any more. I’ve always been taught that certain relationships, like “ muttered “sexual -relationships” in a normal voice “were wrong. I don’t know anymore. “

The Doctor chose to sit in silence with that to let Yaz find her own voice. 

“Prem acted like a better Muslim than my great-gran, so selfless and loving. And when I think back, I remember Nani, _Umbreen_ was trying to talk me mum down when Sophie was dating a Church of England boy, super active on his parish council, running a fresh expression-our Diversity club - at our school, said it was better she date a faithful Christian than a secular person who wouldn’t understand what faith can mean to you. So what about you, Ms. I’ve got a volume written about me in the book of Celebrants? What faith is that?”

The Doctor looked up at the ceiling, afraid to make eye contact. “Like I said, love and hope, truth, dignity, respect for all life. I get a certain perspective travelling in time and space, and I sometimes end up at a turning point. I say some things, brilliant speeches, ya know me. Someone notices and writes them down.”

The Doctor looked uneasily at Yaz, fidgeting, struggling to explain. She never meant to become a religions figure, it kind of happened. She grabbed both of Yaz’s hands and looked into her eyes. 

“I erased myself from history once yet here I am again, back drawing attention. I’m just a traveller Yaz. I’ve seen the past and the future, but all that matters is being loving right now. Rituals are important. They are also grounded in a place and time. A hand-fasting with the actual border line - your Gran - that was epic. A watch frozen in time- prophecies written and fulfilled when the right person remembers them.” 

Yaz pondered all of this. In the light of thousands of years of human history, and massive new experiences, new understanding was surely needed. Nani, as a young woman, saw herself as a bearer of new rituals for a new time. As a grandmother, she taught her granddaughters to follow their faith, but with imagination. To be a young British Muslim woman in Yorkshire in 2018, that was something she and Sonia would have to figure out. They were second generation Sheffield Muslims, and the oldest by far. 

She and Sonia each adapted in their own way. Yaz was certainly modest in her dress - more so than her mother at her age, even. She never dated, but she would challenge and question any teaching, and certainly wouldn’t let any man look down on her. She knew the Koran cold, and in Arabic. Sonia was less modest, but much more likely to defer to men. She stopped trying in maths and science lest she look smarter than a boy. Sonia was more outgoing, and helped a lot with helping new immigrant Muslim’s fit in at school. 

As sisters they bickered, but would support each other through anything. Yaz at 19 and Sonia at 17 were both virgins according to Yaz’s interpretation (and she was the Koranic scholar between the two of them.) But Sonia’s boyfriends didn’t go home wanting. Yaz never really dated. Although her sister had ribbed her a bit about being queer, Nani had put a firm stop to that, and Sonia accepted and defended Yaz’s self identification as asexual. 

The Doctor’s hands on hers, the close eye contact was re-awakening awkward feelings in Yaz again. She squeezed the Doctor’s hands in her own, but looked away. She was embarrassed but also really wanted to know, though couldn’t have articulated why at this point. 

“What does your religion teach about sex?”

Yaz didn’t think the Doctor could blush like that, and she instantly felt bad for bringing it up. The Doctor freed one hand and pulled her hair out of her eyes. 

As for the Doctor, she couldn’t figure out why she responded so strongly to the question. Human religions in Yaz’s time, including hers, were deeply divided about issues of sexual morality and gender roles. 

“You heard me say love in all its forms is a form of hope and hope is powerful. There are so many species, so many forms of reproduction, so many ways people” the Doctor’s blush refreshed “have sex, for fun, for reproduction, for group bonding. If everyone wants to take part and power isn’t being abused, and offspring and public health are cared for, it just sort of happens.” Inside her head she completed ‘they don’t put up a balloon’.

Yaz caught the smile at the end,and had a brief mental image of a balloon, but didn’t know why. The Doctor smiled at the joke in her head. Pushing the question further Yaz asked “what do you think Doctor - about sex?”

“‘T’s brilliant, messy, a good bit ‘f fun sometimes.” She could have been talking about tacos - wait, no, unfortunate connotation there, ice cream Sundaes, Yaz thought. 

“Is it ever wrong to have sex for you Doctor?” 

“My last face didn’t really want to, it felt wrong for me.”

“You were asexual?”

“Yes, you could say that. It’s wrong to use sex to hurt someone. It’s wrong to have sex with someone who is unable to consent, to lie in order to get consent, to keep going when someone says stop. Just like the tea video on you Tube. Those aren’t sex rules, they’re just good person rules. Why are you asking all this?”

Yaz started clearing the tea away. “Certain sexual acts are haram - forbidden - for Muslims. Sex outside marriage, sex during your period, gay sex, Muslim women havin’ sex with non-muslims. It’s weird for me that m’ gran was going to do something haram. I feel weirder about it than I should. Like we live in a pretty small flat, one loo. Thin walls. Ya don’t like to think about it, but my parents weren’t always . . . Halal. I asked me mom one time. She said it helped with cramps and she’d gladly lay it out for the imam if he disagreed.” 

Both women giggled at that. Yaz confided “Couldn’t imagine how that conversation would have gone. It’s a big difference actually between British women and women from the old country. More open. I had to teach the younger girls at the mosque - they were scared when their bodies changed. Their parents kept them out of health class, moms told them nothin’. “

The doctor suspected there was something Yaz wasn’t saying, that maybe she was ready to say. They settled back down on the purple sofa. The Doctor asked gently. 

“Have you ever wanted sex that was forbidden?”

Yaz looked briefly into the doctor’s eyes, then down at her hands, folded in her lap. Yaz’s stomach flipped. She nodded once, slowly. Then she mumbled. “Probably why it feels so weird that me nan did, too. I. I .” Tears spilled out of Yaz’s eyes. The Doctor waited. Like an eternity in a confession dial, she waited. 

“I’ve lusted, longed for . . .”

The doctor ached in the silence for her friend. She dared a word into the void “I won’t judge you. I promise.”

“Girls. Women. I’ve had same-sex attractions.” The confession hung like a cloud in the air for a moment. Often the master of words, the Doctor wanted to choose hers carefully now.

“Yaz, you are my friend. Thank you for trusting me with this. I don’t think any differently of you.” The Doctor could sense Yaz’s shame, and didn’t want to minimize her feelings. There was a lot she needed to work through. Thanks to Bill, the Doctor had learned a lot about the struggles of lgbt young adults. She was determined to put that knowledge to good use. 

The Doctor touched Yaz’s hand gently and waited for her to look into her eyes again. When she did, the Doctor continued. “I’m going to ask another question. I need you to know that whatever your answer, more than anything I don’t want anything to change between us right now. Our friendship is so important to me.” 

Yaz nodded, terrified of the question to come. Yaz who could stay brave while his brother killed her step grandfather, who sat with Rosa Parks and helped subdue the P’Ting was overcome now with fear. Fear of herself, her body. She knew what the doctor’s question would be, and didn’t quite trust the Doctor’s assurance. She tried to let it sink in. 

“Yaz, my friend, you are strong, brave and good. Have you felt attraction towards me?”

The question hung in the air. The Doctor already knew the physiological answer - Yaz’s pupils dilating, pulse racing, Yaz’s body’s instinctive answer. The Doctor’s question was one of trust and self awareness. 

Slowly, very slowly, Yaz hung her head. A clear, though tortured yes. It sort of broke the Doctor’s heart to see her friend so distressed. Her Yaz was brave to face demons outside, and was facing one of the worst inside - the fear of her own desire. 

“I’m sorry Doctor, so sorry. “ Yaz started sobbing, and let herself be wrapped in the Doctor’s arms. 

The Doctor held her while she cried, rubbing her back, murmuring reassuring words. When the sobbing stopped, the Doctor handed Yaz a tissue. 

“Why ‘r’ ya sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry for. ‘Ts good to know I’ve still got it.” Yaz smiles at that, and bopped the Doctor with a throw pillow.”

“You’re not mad?”

“I’m a mad woman in a box. Don’t forget that, it’ll save your life one day. I’m not angry. I’m honoured, really, that you’d share this with me. It’s a sacred trust, and I treat it as such.”

“I’ve been taught that gay people are full of uncontrollable lust. I’ve never experienced that, I’ve had to be so controlled, one look, a glance at the wrong time . . .” She teared up again. “Word spread around the mosque, then school. For a glance that lasted too long. I’ve learned to control myself.” The doctor gently rubbed Yaz’s back while another wave of sadness overcame her. 

The Doctor enveloped her in her arms, rocking gently as the pain expressed itself. She kept murmuring “so brave, so strong, so good”. 

When Yaz pulled back again, the Doctor was still there, still gentle and full of compassion. “Doctor, I never asked, are you, are you still asexual? Or does that change in a new body?”

“No Yaz, I’m pretty confident I’m not asexual. Do you remember Angstrom? On Desolation?”

Yaz blushes a bit, remembering how she had seen the two of them together. She had forgotten that, put it out of her head. “She was mmm nice”. 

“Indeed”. The Doctor suspected that Yaz May had seen some of that, but now wasn’t the time to talk about it. 

“But Doctor, turn around is fair play. Are you attracted to me?” Yaz’s heart was in her throat but now she wanted to know. 

“I’m not sure that matters right now. Yasmin Khan, you are beautiful inside and out. You are also vulnerable, so vulnerable right now. I meant it when I said I didn’t want things to change between us right now. You are not sure what you believe. You can’t choose who you are attracted to, but you need to decide what a faithful response is for you. “. Then she _winked_

The Doctor said “let’s go get tacos and ice cream!”

Yaz was all in, but there was something niggling in her brain about that food combination. “And a balloon” she added. But she didn’t know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who ever you are, whatever your faith community (I’d you have one) or culture, there are lgbt people in that community. Most religious denominations and faiths of lgbtq organizations within them. Others have organizations of ex members who are lgbtq. You are not alone.


	8. Awe and Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz decides to pursue her feelings for the Doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought I’d try coming back to this fic. Comments and kudos feed the author.

Journeying through time and space together just kept bringing Yaz and the Doctor closer to each other. It also deepened Yaz’ faith in ways that were hard to explain, but the more she saw of the universe, the more she felt holy awe, as if she were on a great pilgrimage to the holy sites of time and space. 

The touches between Yaz and the Doctor were innocent enough, but something had awoken in Yaz. Not an uncontrollable lust, but a hunger for more with the Doctor. Though it terrified her to the core, she knew in her soul of souls that it was fundamentally a gift of Allah and therefor good. The holy awe she felt in the universe had another side within her that came alive with the Doctor. 

She decided it was time to talk and sought the Doctor on a quiet evening. Ryan and Graham were watching an Austin Powers marathon and the Doctor was tinkering. Yaz was nervous but the Doctor has said they can talk any time. 

“Can we talk?” Yaz sounded braver than she felt. She made tea and custard creams and they settled in the lounge. 

“What’s up Yaz?” The Doctor asked gently. They were sitting on two ends of a three seater couch and Yaz turned to face the Doctor. As always, closeness to the Doctor and her intense gaze warmed Yaz to the core and her cheeks reflected the heat. 

“I feel so alive when I’m close to you, but so strange.”

The Doctor swallowed. She knew where this could be going. “Is it a good feeling?”

“I’m feeling aroused, turned on”. Yaz replied matter of factly. “I don’t know what to do with that.”

There was something in her tone that gave the Doctor pause. Now was a time for talk, not the action her baser instincts wanted. 

“What do you want to do with this?” The Doctor was deliberate, patient. 

“I don’t want to lead you on”. Yaz had been taught that sex drives were powerful, the tool of the devil, and she was learning how that was both true and exaggerated if not outright false. “I have hang ups. Remember the morning wood?” Yaz looked away shyly. 

“Could I sit right beside you? Is that ok? You can totally say no and I’ll stay in my corner”

“Yes Doctor, that would be nice”. Heart in her throat, with a throb at her core, Yaz held the Doctor’s hand. They sat like that for some time, the Doctor rambling with one handed gestures while Yaz quietly processed her own feelings. 

“This feels nice” Yaz said quietly when there was a lull. 

“You feel ok?”  
“Does this make us girlfriends?” Yaz asked, her eye on the back wall.   
“Do you want it to?” The Doctor asked softly. She was beyond smitten with the woman before her, a universe without her was unbearable. 

“I do”

They hugged tightly for several minutes before cleaning up the untouched tea and heading to separate rooms for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think.


	9. Joy and wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introspection from both POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seem to be on a roll today. I’m having fun with this.

Doctor’s POV 

Yasmin Khan is brilliant. Her skill and training with the police have complemented her natural even-headedness and made her a wonderful counterpart to the doctors own impulsiveness. Together they manage crisis situations with skill and compassion. 

It’s hard to believe Yaz is only 19. She carries herself like the established in her career adult she is, more like Martha or even Clara than Rose, or Amy. Until they are alone. 

Alone the Doctor sees another side of Yaz, unsure of herself, terrified of her sexuality and of getting too close, yet slowly opening up to the Doctor, as well as to Ryan and Graham. Her true beauty opening like a flower. Yes. The Doctor was in awe of Yaz’ beauty, and willing to let her set the pace of any relationship. 

The Doctor was pretty sure Yaz had seen her and Angstrom together, and the Doctor would need to explain about River Song before things went much further, but for now it seemed like most of the relationship work was going on in Yaz’s mind and heart, and perhaps shouldn’t get too caught up in the Doctor’s morality while she was still in early days of her own. Or maybe the ancient time Lord was a little afraid of being rejected for being polyamorous. Perhaps. 

Meanwhile in Yaz’ head there was little room for anything but euphoria. The thrill of young love. It felt so right to be close to the Doctor. Her arousal had a safe place to go. It was no longer something to be ashamed of. She fell asleep happy and dreamed of the Doctor and flowers in her hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Exciting to me as a person of faith to see an actively religious companion, and with such a strong ‘ship’ too. I’m taking this fic as an opportunity to explore intersections of spirituality and sexuality. I am not Muslim, and mean no disrespect to that beautiful tradition with this fic. I am writing from my own experiences. To name my bias - queer progressive Christian, unabashed Whovian and Thasmin shipper.


End file.
